Tool (A Perfect Circle)

Review last updated: February 14, 2020

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omg dood u listen to th3 new Tewl album??? like, so spiritual and meditation... open ur 3rd eye!

No for real fuck this band. This is what you listen to when you're 14 and you're slightly smarter than most kids and you have awful, relentless, everlasting erections. You can't really tell that it's all about sex and tiny breasts and "hey man, weed should like, totally be legal man" when you're 14, because you're angry, and walled-off from the world and excruciatingly horny, and it just seems like sex is everywhere anyway. But when you're a damn adult and you jack off for the day and you can think clearly, it quickly becomes obvious that this band is one of the most uninspired, and one of the most overrated. It's just so obnoxious, they've always been so obnoxious, and they have little more to say than a quirky unpopular-opinions thread on Reddit or Facebook. With the fucking colorful eyeball Eastern-culture-appropriating Alex Grey bullshit, the "oh so spooky" Area 51 Art Bell telephone call hoax at the end of Lateralus, the creepily dogmatic, masturbatory, pitifully indulgent Bill Hicks samples and German cookie recipes on AEnima, the god damn tee hee track #69 about le 69 sex and the "beeing sober is like, laaaaame dooood" sentiments of Undertow, the "holy shit if you play track 1 over track 2 and track 9 in reverse it kind of sounds... synchronized!!! it represents... aliens" gimmicks and pathetic attention-grabbing hooks of 10,000 Days, it's all glib. It's all fluff, filler, unremarkable confetti and pizazz, with no real message, no real meaning, no real substance, and nothing real or important to say. This band is yet another band that makes me hate the music industry, makes me hate people, makes me hate even the DMT-smoking acid-selling Grateful Dead hippies in whose bosom I was raised, and whose culture has embellished my life. Fuck that shit.

I deserve to be able to shit on this band because I listened to all of their albums for years. This was one of my high-school phases.

Despite the baffling ignorance, alarming stupidity, and ridiculous, self-defeating, intellectually-stunting, and general ambition-ending complacency of this bullshit "group", everyone who listens to Tool and considers themselves a Tool fan thinks they're a god damn beacon of intellect, and that they know all the smartest things about all the smartest bands. Look up the lyrics for any of their songs, and look at the comments. Read the comments on their YouTube videos.

"So like, when Maynard like, sings about like anal and fisting and pussy farts? he's really talking about the addictions! he's really talking about like, society man. all this religion Jesus shit, it's all a scam! i figured it all out on a 41-hour peanut butter and jelly trip in which i fell into a special K-hole, opened my fourth eye, and stretched my special asshole. Thank god I have this wonderful rock band to tell me to think for myself. Otherwise I wouldn't have anyone to listen to and no one to tell me what to think!"

Sorry boys it takes a little more than typical liberal conclusions (that anyone with a few brain cells could arrive at on their own anyway), heavy metal drums and breathy pretty boy vocals to stimulate me these days. I mean, that's not really fair. Every band that's gotten as big as Tool has plenty of stupid people that worship them, grasping at straws that don't exist about what they think the songs mean, claiming they met Jesus and Jesus gave them a fortune cookie with "Think 4 urself... qWeShtun auThority ;^)" on it. But Tool, Tool seems to draw more and more of these idiots than most. Even Deftones, Rage Against the Machine, Marilyn Manson, and Burzum fans aren't that pretentious. And for a guy like me to call somebody else pretentious, that person must really be on their high horse. Okay I'm done fuck this. This stupid shit isn't even worth all of the characters I've wasted on it.